Chris Pindar
4 years ago... So, the prologue... We pull into Crewe on time and loads of people get up into the gangway to get off. Some dozy clunk (not me), decides that this is a good time to rearrange his myriad suitcases in the luggage racks. Most people manage to climb past him but despite their protests, he continues. Finally, the last three of us push him out of the way only to see the doors closing and no amount of button pushing will open them. I head off down the train looking for the guard but I can’t see them and the train starts to move off. I am on an advance ticket and the others are trying to catch connections. I arrive at the logical conclusion that in all the 57 odd years that I have been playing on trains I have never done it. And that now might be my one and only chance. Gingerly, I stretch out my hand and.... I PULL THE COMMUNICATION CORD/HANDLE. The train, all 9 shiny pendolino coaches of it grinds to a halt at the end of the station. The buffet person appears and I explain the circumstances, she calls the guard and I explain the circumstances, he lets us off and calls the Crewe train despatch manager and I explain the circumstances. They mutter about the £1000 fine but decide not to proceed. They then set about resetting the train so it can head off 3 minutes late (little me?) having now delayed half a dozen other trains behind it (chaos theory, you are my bitch). Somewhere along the line, I explained to the luggage sorting moron what I thought of him now I was illegally heading to Wolverhampton and turning the air a very non-Avanti blue in the process. Also, I asked whether they wanted their £1000 in cash or cheque. I never got a reply. Quite a constructive evening all round. 🍆🐴😈
